Tag Archives: parents
The article below was excerpted from my book Cleared for Takeoff by HomeWord for the March edition of their parent newsletter:
Respect is obviously short in supply these days, but is absolutely something our kids need to learn for their own benefit. When kids learn to respect others, they also learn to respect themselves. You must give respect before you can get any, even from yourself. And self-respect plays a huge role in how young people mature. As parents, we can play a key role in helping our kids learn about respect and incorporate it into their lives by using consequences consistently when we discipline.
Of course, respect is a two-way street. Especially with teenagers, parents need to show respect as well as expect it. Kids who are treated respectfully are more likely to be respectful. Mutual respect doesn’t mean that parents and children have equal amounts of authority in the home. Instead, kids respect their parents by obeying them. And parents respect their kids by expecting them to obey. This kind of mutual respect results in greater trust and more freedom for both parents and kids.
So how do you teach kids to be respectful? Certainly not by demanding, begging, or pleading. Respect has to be earned. Parents earn respect by establishing their authority and being competent and consistent year in and year out. This, of course, is where hanging in there with well-defined expectations and consequences comes in.
Whenever you set limits or make agreements with your teenager regarding behavior or expectations, you also need to discuss with him or her what happens in the event there is a failure to comply. If this is done well before the fact, rather than after, it can be done without emotion, without struggle, without disagreement. If the consequence is reasonable, your teenager will likely understand the need for it and agree to it without argument. If he or she can’t agree to a consequence, then you have reason to believe that your teenager has no intention of compliance anyway.
Consequences are best understood as a way of balancing privileges with responsibility. For the privilege of using the family car, there are consequences for not coming home at the agreed-upon time. For the privilege of having a wardrobe of clothes, there are consequences for not picking them up and putting them away.
Once consequences are in place, they should be allowed to take effect without parental intervention. Once they are established, there is no need for further disciplinary action. The consequence should itself provide the discipline.
The object of consequences is to teach responsibility. Once consequences become punishment, retribution, or vengeance, they lose their effectiveness. To prevent their misuse, authors H. Stephen Glenn and Jane Nelson (in their book Raising Self-Reliant Children in a Self-indulgent World) suggest remembering the three Rs of consequences.
1. They should be related to the behavior in question. In other words, the first place to look for a suitable consequence for a behavior is the behavior itself. Rather than grounding kids for every bad thing they do or using some other one-size-fits-all consequence, try connecting the behavior with the consequence in some logical way. If your teenager can’t return the car with a full tank of gas, he or she loses driving privileges or has to wash the care the next day or get up early the next morning and get the gas tank filled at his or her own expense. It’s impossible to make every consequence logical, but that’s usually the best way to make them effective.
2. They should be reasonable. If a consequence is too severe or too harsh, teenagers are likely to become angry and resentful and rebel against it. While no consequence ever seems fair to a teenager, they will be more likely to accept them and learn from them if they make sense. Sometimes parents make the mistake of imposing consequences that are not only unreasonable but also unenforceable. “Either change your behavior or find another place to live!” They know you aren’t serious when you say something like that. On the other hand, consequences shouldn’t be so inconsequential that they don’t act as motivator or deterrent at all. If a teen’s consequence for coming home from a party with alcohol on his or her breath is a $20 fine, the teenager is likely to think that’s not a bad deal. Minor behaviors should result in minor consequences, serious behaviors in serious consequences. This will help teenagers understand values and choices in their proper perspective.
3. They should be respectful. What this means is that we implement and enforce consequences out of a desire to help our kids become capable and responsible, not out of a desire to see our kids suffer, to get revenge, or to win. Again, our objective is not to punish, but to provide adequate and effective discipline.
Teenagers care deeply about fairness and respect. Even though they cry “unfair” at ever opportunity, they do have the ability to understand why you must set limits and enforce consequences. Most kids will reluctantly admit that they respect and admire teachers at school who are clear and consistent with their requirements and rules, even though they have a hard time living up to them.
It will probably take some time for you to learn to use consequences effectively. It’s much more than a science. You’ll probably make some mistakes and have to feel your way along as you decide when to use consequences, how often you will use them, and what exactly they will be. Some kids require that you use them a lot; others won’t. Some require very severe consequences; others don’t. You’ll have to be creative and use your best judgment. Your kids need to learn that the real world operates by laws of cause and effect that can’t be suspended just because they are inconvenient. The consistent application of consequences will help teens learn this principle, which will in turn result in their growing in the areas of respect; for those in authority, for others in general, and for themselves.
Actually, I wrote these tips about twenty years ago but they were recently reprinted in HomeWord’s January 2013 Parent Newsletter. Here they are for a whole new generation of parents:
Parenting adolescents can be a scary prospect, as kids get older and begin to create some distance between them and us. Still, it doesn’t have to be as scary as it may seem. There are some simple, yet powerful steps we can take in order to ensure our influence level remains high. Here are twelve tips you can use right away that will make your responsibilities as a parent a bit easier to manage.
- When your teenager comes home from school today, smile when he or she walks through the door. Do that several days in a row and your kid will actually look forward to coming home!
- Next time your teenager tries to be funny … laugh.
- Make a list of all the things your teenager does that makes you mad. Now, go through the list and cross off all the stuff that doesn’t really matter. Save your anger only for those things which have lasting moral consequences.
- Take your teenager out for breakfast or lunch once a week. Promise yourself that you won’t use that time to lecture or nag. Just listen and talk about good stuff.
- Invite your teenager’s friends to your house for pizza, soft drinks and a movie rental. Extra points if you can secure a big-screen TV or video projector.
- Ask your teenager to play his/her favorite music on your stereo. Listen and discuss the music with him or her. Find out why he/she likes it so much. Try to avoid criticism.
- Think of something positive you can say to your teenager today … and say it.
- Put a love note (from you) in your teenager’s backpack or lunch sack.
- Before you criticize your teenager’s behavior, try remembering your own teenage years. Chances are it will help you communicate better.
- Love your spouse. A strong family provides security for teenagers.
- Respect your teenager’s privacy. Snooping without a legitimate reason is a no-no.
- Communicate your plans to your teenager frequently. Let him/her know where you are, when you’ll be home, what you’re doing. This sets a good example that will encourage them to do the same thing for you.Bonus tips:
- Be patient with your kids. Growing up takes time … but they will grow up.
- Learn to trust your kids more. The more trust you give them, the more opportunities they will have to prove themselves trustworthy.
- Keep your sense of humor. Healthy families are laughing families!
- Pray daily for your kids. Remember, God loves them even more than you do!
Do you think they still hold up after all these years? Any other tips that need to be added to this list?
The Danish philosopher and theologian Soren Kierkegaard wrote a story about a group of very clever burglars who broke into a jewelry store one night. Rather than stealing anything, they switched the price tags so that items that were previously expensive became cheap and those that were cheap became expensive. No one noticed when the burglars came into the store the next day and purchased the items they wanted at a steal of a price!
I am reminded of this story when I listen to Pastor Carlton teach on “Killing the Seven Deadly Sins” (current sermon series). It’s safe to say that the seven deadly sins have today morphed into the seven deadly virtues. Could it be that someone has switched some price tags?
When I log on to Facebook or Twitter, for example, my tendency to be full of myself (pride) is not only affirmed but celebrated (not to mention my sloth). I turn on the TV and see a hamburger chain commercial where my lust is not only prompted but encouraged (not to mention my gluttony). I turn to a reality TV show where greed is rewarded, making me feel envious which of course leads to anger! Yikes! This is what our children are being exposed to every single day! What’s a parent to do?
Let me encourage you first to take care of yourself. Guard your heart. Spend time in God’s Word and pray daily. Kill the seven deadly sins in your own life. As you know, we lead children primarily by example.
Secondly, bring your family to church for worship each Sunday, especially during the month of May. After the service is over, talk with them about what they saw, heard and experienced. Teach them how to recognize sin for what it is, how to know right from wrong, how to think Christianly in every situation. You can give your children the tools they need to be able to faithfully follow Jesus in a world of switched price tags.
Please know that we are here to help and encourage you in your holy calling as a parent. Let us know how we can support and serve you and your family. Springtime is here and we pray that your home is filled with Easter joy. May you take take advantage of the many opportunities we have to worship and serve our risen Lord!
I have often talked to parents about the importance of writing family mission statements or family creeds to help pass faith from one generation to the next. Many children grow up in Christian homes not really sure about what their parents (or they themselves) believe. Last month I wrote an article for our church’s parent newsletter on that same topic. Here it is:
In the book of Deuteronomy, parents are instructed to “impress” the commandments of God upon their children (6:7). What does this mean? The word impress in the original Hebrew means to permanently fix or brand, similar to what takes place when a farmer brands his cattle.
So how do we brand the commandments of God on our children? Obviously we aren’t supposed to tattoo them on our children’s bodies. Our goal is to brand them on our children’s hearts and minds.
Let me suggest one way to do this. We can teach the commandments to our children not as a negative list of things they shouldn’t do (“shalt not’s) but as a positive list of things they get to do as members of your family and as followers of Jesus Christ. You might even want to rewrite the Ten Commandments especially for your family as a mission statement or creed. Here’s an example:
Our Family Mission Statement
- We will love and serve God, who first loved us and gave his Son to die on the Cross for our sins.
- We will keep our eyes fixed on Jesus who is the Way, the Truth and the Life.
- We will be ambassadors for Christ and share his love with others whenever we have the opportunity.
- We will devote special time every week for worship, prayer, reading Scripture and serving others.
- We will love and respect our parents, grandparents and others who care for us, teach us and provide for us.
- We will live in peace and harmony with others, forgiving those who wrong us rather than hurting them or seeking revenge.
- We will remain sexually pure and faithful in our personal relationships.
- We will be honest and trustworthy in all that we do.
- We will be honest and trustworthy in all that we say.
- We will be thankful and content with all that God has given to us.
Of course the best way to impress these things on your children is to live them out consistently at home every single day. I guarantee you … they will be impressed indeed!
I wish I could say that I spent the first full day of the new year doing something constructive or creative but I watched football all day. Three games. Actually I think I watched six or seven football games this week. How many bowl games are there now? I can remember when all of them (Rose, Sugar, Cotton, Orange) all happened on one day, bringing the college football season to a merciful end. But now it goes on and on … which I guess is OK with me since I love the game and enjoy watching if I have the time.
Last night in the Sugar Bowl, the University of Florida’s well-known quarterback Tim Tebow played in his last college football game as he led his Gators team to an easy victory over the Cincinnatti Bearcats.
I’ve not followed Tebow’s career closely, but by all accounts, he’s not only a tremendous quarterback but a dedicated Christ-follower who seems almost too good to be true. Nobody has a bad thing to say about him and he’s unabashedly outspoken about his faith.
It’s not surprising to me that Tebow grew up in a Christian home (his parents were missionaries) and was home schooled even while he played high school football. While not all home-school kids turn out like Tim Tebow, I’ve become increasingly persuaded that parents who home-school their kids are not as over-protective or paranoid as we thought they were. They may instead just be taking more seriously than the rest of us the Biblical imperative to train up their children in the way they should go. Sadly, too many Christian parents are content these days to outsource the upbringing of their children to the government, the popular media, even the church.
As I listened to the young quarterback (who will be headed for the NFL this year) give glory to Christ for his win last night, I couldn’t help but wonder if he will continue to do so as a pro. The TV commentators last night described how his Florida teammates protected him from people and activities that might compromise his reputation. I hope he continues to have those kind of people around him. At least I know he has those kind of parents.
I have a new book which just came out titled Engaging Parents as Allies, a book for youth workers on how to work with parents. It’s part of a three-book series called “Youth Ministry in the Trenches” which the publisher packaged with a bit of a military theme (little toy soldiers, etc.) The other two books in the series were written by my friends Rick Bundshuh and Marv Penner.
Standard Publishing asked me to videotape a little commercial for the book and you can view it below. It’s also posted on Standard’s website along with more information about the book.
This month I began a new adventure in ministry as a Family Ministries Coach at College Avenue Baptist Church in San Diego. I’ve never been a FMC before and I don’t really know anyone else who has ever been one either. But essentially I will be serving as a consultant to their youth and children’s ministry staff as they explore ways to better serve families at the church.
Strategically located just few blocks from San Diego State University, College Avenue Baptist Church has had a long and fruitful ministry in the San Diego area. My first contact with the church was back in the 1960’s while I was working with YFC/Campus Life.. Our offices were located just a block away from the church on the corner of El Cajon Boulevard and College Avenue. Several of our YFC staff were working part time at CABC and we used the church frequently to conduct Campus Life meetings.
In the 1970’s, I attended Bethel Theological Seminary which was meeting at the time on the campus of College Avenue Baptist. The seminary later built it’s own campus, across the street from the church, but many of the professors continue to attend CABC. Because I have taught a few youth ministry classes at Bethel, I’m still (I think) on their roster of “associate faculty” members.
College Avenue Baptist Church has gone through a lot of changes in recent years as the church has gone through several pastors and lost quite a few members. More than a decade ago the church’s youth pastor started an alternative church service for young people called The Flood which was very successful but is no longer part of CABC. It broke away a few years ago as a independent congregation which now meets several miles away. Another group left the church recently to form another new church plant called Legacy Church.
So CABC has been in something of a rebuilding phase. I’ve been very impressed with the vision that new senior pastor Carlton Harris and executive pastor Mark Goeglein have shared with me. Part of their master plan is to strengthen families and leverage the immense amount of influence that parents have on the spiritual formation of their children. They are also committed to building intergenerational and interracial unity and community which reflects not only the diversity of the church but the reconciling power of the Gospel.
There’s more to their vision of course but I’m very excited about this opportunity to get involved with a church that seems to be really serious about encouraging parents and building faith in the home. I will be meeting with their staff this summer, formulating some ideas and hopefully becoming more engaged with parents and families in the fall.
I write this on Memorial Day 2009 as we pay tribute to all the men and women who have served our country over the years, especially those who have made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom and way of life.
I want to remember especially my father John Forest Rice, who was a Navy Seabee during World War II and the best man I ever knew. He taught me so much … how to love God, how to love my wife and kids, how to love music, how to love hard work. He died a young man, at age 48 in an auto accident but his influence and legacy lives on.
Thanks Dad for serving your family, your country and your Lord so well during your brief time with us. Outside of the Lord himself, you’re the first person I’ll be looking for when I get to heaven. See you soon!
I wrote a book about fifteen years ago for parents titled “Enjoy Your Middle Schooler.” The book went out of print recently (the kids on the cover started to look a bit dated) but this weekend I’ve turned the book into a seminar for parents which I’m doing at Shadow Mountain Community Church in El Cajon.
Middle schoolers (or junior highers as they are still sometimes called) are still near and dear to my heart. When I first began doing youth ministry in YFC more than 43 years ago, it was with junior high kids. As a college student I didn’t have enough age or experience to work with high school students, so I was put in charge of a poor unsuspecting group of junior high kids. I found my calling there and to this day feel most comfortable around this age group.